Chose Life!

Ever had someone living in fear of you for 4 years? The slightest hint of you would drive that someone ballistic. My actions; like ripples in water, would become tsunami in their shores. The fear that eats up in the heart; if not made known, would rear its ugly head, causing much hurt to one and all.

So, my advice is… Be right before God else, you will be like the psalmist in Psalms 38:4, "My guilt has overwhelmed me like a burden too heavy to bear." Always be at peace with your actions, if it so happens that you caused hurt to anyone, be sure to seek forgiveness. And if you have any greviences towards other people, please check yourself against the Word of God and if your actions are right before God, bring the persons aside and talk peace peacefully. Then, your past would not haunt you.

These few days, I have been asking God why He had allowed such drama to happen in my life. Have I not been right before you, O Lord? Why would I be punished for the sins of others? Why had you allowed me to be called an adulteress and harlot? Why do I have to live in fear of a crazy person unknown to me? Why inspite of all the sins that person had previously rendered towards me, would you allow that person to come back and haunt me?

God patiently answered me, this is my purpose for you. And I praised God for being faithful to me. I praised God that nothing bad happened to my family and friends. Hell had no fury like a **man scorned. I praised God he didnt allow me to be as crazy.

1  The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
3  He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.
4  Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
5  Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
6  Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

My trip last Sunday as uneventful as it was, was seemingly okay. Praise the Lord for He indeed works miracles! I wasnt confident at all whether the task ahead of me would be completed with pizazz. Hoping to get good results, I was utterly dissapointed when my abilities were tested. Alas! I thought I was prepared! But my lack of skill only showed my short comings. Before the big thing, I was having jitters and butterflies. Panic attack would be an understatement. I was an emotional train wreck.

A short prayer for help soothed wat’s left of my nerves and I took a deep breath and plunged in. God, if this is Your will, pls carry me through it all. My Father in heaven heard my prayer and came forth to rescue. The outcome of my huge trial was not great.. Not even enough I should say, but He gave me His peace that surpasses all understanding. He guarded my heart against all evil and paralysing fear. Praise the Lord for He is great!

Yesterday, a few close frens of mine suffered a huge lost. Their loved one returned home to the Lord. There was nothing me and my bros and sistas could do, but just stand in silence. We could neither say nor do anything, but we could stand there. So we stood.. The silence was deafening, no words were exchanged but we were there for them, always and forever. They will remain in our bedtime prayers and thoughts always. The Lord bless you and keep you and give you peace…

With my emotions still fazzled after all this weeks’ sad turn of events, I had a surprise phone call in the morning after. Some person whom I do not know called me at my busiest and moodiest time of work (mind you, I am still mourning). The conversation inferred me as a "female dog" which was neither welcomed nor anticipated. Some over zealous girlfriend of a fren accused me of trying to pry her man from her.. I was furious at the comparison, how could a stranger say that to me? Besides, your guy wasnt Keanu Reeves. But after a whole days’ reflection, I started to see the funny side of things. Hahahah… Thanks my dear. That was a compliment indeed, to think that I have the power to drive people crazy. A lesson of patience and forgiveness learnt in trials… To forgive is divine..

Attending the leadership training yesterday and today made me question the approach used for youth and teens ministry… Are we building disciplemaking disciples? Are we a warehouse church? One that stores and preserves and not continually producing finished goods from raw materials? Bottom line is.. we are not producing. Yeah, attendance maybe growing, but what abt spirituality and disciple maturity? Instead of feeling like a shepherd, I feel like a sheep.. One striped of it’s protective wool; exposed for hypocrisy.

A half baked shepherd is not one at all.. In fact, the lessons learnt today made me realise all the more that maturity does not end when you become a shepherd. You are continually growing and learning new truths. Applying it deeper into your lives so that you will reflect the Saviour.

A good shepherd is one that makes more shepherds… And I havent done a good job of that.. But praise God! He provides.. When He wants us to grow, He gives us the resources.. No matter how incompetent the half baked shepherd is.. Praise God for all the volunteer shepherds, potential shepherds, co shepherds who are helping me.. Without you all, I would have been burnt out! Thank you all and may the Lord bless you and keep you for your faithful work!

On a lighter note; or I should say lighter head… I was meaning to have my heavy locks chopped for about 2 months now.. Poor time management made me postpone the much needed crown-aide time and again. That finally came true today when I decided I had to do something with my mane. Actually the push becomes a shove when some of my long tresses got stuck in between the pews of the FBC in PJ while listening to the leadership training. Pulling it out made it look forlorn and stretched.

Enough is enough!! So I drove to my stylist and decided on a makeover. Suggesting a shorter style, he recommended the latest trend. Sure, why not? I dont mind sporting the latest trend without much maintenance (I havent the luxury of fussing over my tresses). So, the rest was history (or should I say my long mane was history). A snip here a snip there… And after 2 HOURS (sweat!) with a stiff neck and heavy eyelids, a new me!

The verdict? Erm… I donno; I kinda miss my long locks; they provide me something to fiddle with when I’m heavy in thought (ask Shali or Neil or anyone who’s had the privillage [agony] of being my classmate). I felt shorn, naked almost! It’s too breezy.. I havent sported shorter locks since I was 16!!

I cant imagine the looks on my sheeps’ faces when they see a shorn sheep walking in to the santuary tomorrow. Nor could I imagine the faces of my colleagues as they roll on the floor laughing at the new [pretentious-trendy wannabe] me. More updates later… or, maybe not.. Come and see for yourselves and laugh.

会いたい気持ち溢れたら
この想いが上手く届くのかな？
小さな窓に現れた
あなたを見るだけで嬉しくなる

あの日にそっと置いて行った
涙の粒　抱えたら
ねえ　夢を奏でた

stay with me　あなたは私だけの大きな光
stay with me　あなたとずっとずっと
手をつないでいたい
そして明日へ続くその道を歩いてゆこう

時間の箱に閉じ込めた
つばさをあなたが風に乗せたの
ふと舞い降りた夜の街
もらった勇気で歌い出せたんだ
頑張ってるあなたに
負けないようなスピードで
ねえ　輝けココロ

stay with me　私に聞かせてほしい　悲しみの訳
stay with me　あなたとずっとずっと眺めていたいな
月と太陽とそして二人に出来ることを

stay with me　あなたはきっときっと　もう一人の私
stay with me　あなたとずっとずっと
手をつないでいたい
そして明日へ続くその道をあるいてゆこう

Every Sunday, I have a meeting with my sheep. Some are noisy and boisterous, some quiet and reserved, but each, very special. They are a joyful bunch… My wooly lambs.. Some of them are not around, some across the seas and mountains.. But each, working hard in keeping the Master happy.

My lambs, you have gone through many many things. Life has dealt you many blows, and I, just a humble human shepherd, am not able to help every one of you… All I pray is that you reveal to me your troubles that I may know and pray for you. With the Master’s strength, I will journey on with you all as long as you want me to be by your side. I will lend you support as He lends me support.

You have all made me very proud, and very blessed. You have humbled me indeed with your faith. My lambs, please grow in faith and make me prouder still. Many of you face trials and tribulation; some which make you break down and cry in desperation. Please remember this; I am always here for you.

I will lend my ear to your cries, I will lend you my shoulders for your tears and whenever you need a warm bear hug to soothe your senses; my arms are wide open. My prayer for you is this that you may grow up into men and women of great faith!

Many older brothers and sisters have an irritating habit to be in charge, a habit developed while growing up. We can see this in Martha; older sister of Mary and Lazarus. She was used to being in control.
The fact that Martha, Mary and Lazarus are remembered for their hospitality was because it was required of them 2000 years back. That was the norm, people that time were not used to turning their backs to guests who come to their door. They make sure that the guests have enough to eat, a comfortable bed to sleep on and entertainment. Martha felt the pressure of having the Teacher in her house and being a perfectionist and to avoid others talking bad about her household, she tended to details.. Martha’s perfectionism caused discomfort to others in the house. Imagine her unhappiness when younger sister Mary just sat and listened to the Teacher.
Finally she could not take it anymore, she asked Jesus to settle the matter.
He gently corrected her attitude and showed her that her priorities, though good, were not the best. The personal attention she gave her guests are far more important than the comforts she tried to provide for them.
Later following Lazarus’s death, Martha could hardly help going back to old ways. She questioned Jesus on why He was late in arriving, she showed Him her dissapointment. Again, Jesus being patient, indicated that her hope was limited. He was not only the Lord over death, He was the ressurection and life! Martha, didnt understand His statement, said that 4 day old corpses would reek when Jesus requested the tomb to be opened. Yelling to the dead man, Jesus spoke, "Lazarus, come out!" And the dead man WALKED OUT alive again!
Martha’s preoccupiedness caused her from seeing the whole picture of what God is trying to accomplish. Finally, in the next write up about Martha, she was serving a meal to Jesus and His disciples. She has not stopped serving, but she has learnt to be silent. She learnt that worship begins with silence and listening. Not to be preoccupied with the details and forgetting to absorb what life and the Book is teaching you.
Are you a Martha or a Mary? I fall in the place of Martha… But i am learning… learning to serve and worship and benefiting from serving instead of being stressed up over it.

Life aint a bed of roses and even your presence cant make life rosy, baby! Wake up and smell the coffee! Work is shitty enough, you dont need to contend for 1st place.

How do you get away from this kind of person? Hmm, this is a toughie. Especially if the someone is a spoilt brat who only thinks about jibun. More damaging is the egocentric ways that shove every tsukaini-tachimasen no hito into some obsecure corner. Demo, moshi anata wa tsukaini tachimasu… Ichiban no ‘tomodachi’ ni naritai. Boku wa tsukaini tachimattara zannen to omotte imasu.. Dou? Nigemasu?? Dame dame.. Nigettara denwa o kakemasu.. denwa o suttemasu? Hahah… atarashii denwa katte, demo… kane ga tarimasen.. Wahhh… jya, nakimasu dake…

Another year, another Christmas… "What have you been doing?" asks God. Me? I’ve been extremely busy… Coping with vocation responsibilities, juggling between time for my family and friends and my calling in church.

Sadly, I’ve been too busy this year to spend quiet time with Him who created time. I’ve failed numerous times to make myself trully available for my appointment. What with questions on my future undertakings, my highly (almost absurd) goals for myself, I wonder if I’m actually doing His will. I gotta slow down… Notice how I rush through Sundays, bags in tow, always running to settle some issues? Haha, that’s the pattern I follow throughout the whole week.

Realising that I’m near burnout and that I’m no longer as agile as I was years back (sad but true), I need a breather. This Christmas season.. I will wait on Him. What is your direction for me, my Lord? What do You want me to offer You that I have not yet?

Things in the past, things yet unseen,

Wishes and dreams that are yet to come true,

All of my hope, all of my life,

My heart and my hands are lifted to You.

And Lord I offer my life to You,

Everything I’ve been through,

Use it for Your glory,

Lord I offer my days to You,

Lifting my praise to You,

As a pleasing sacrifice,

Lord I offer You my life.

Just last few weeks, I’ve been told my priorities were not aligned with the world. Am I supposed to be happy about that or sad? The friend who told me that advised me against becoming a fanatic. The reason I’ve been marginalized is that I go to church every Sunday, join camps and retreats. I’m different; it’s almost like I’m untouchable.

Last Tuesday, an old friend went back to the Lord. I could not attend the wake on Tuesday as I was attending a meeting at night. But, my family and I did manage to attend the funeral ceremony on Wednesday nite.

Chai Lean Che has been ard in church for since I could remember, I grew up seeing her ard. She’s always busy in the kitchen, or at the treasury, or attending to the floral arrangemenyts, or at the kindy garden. She comes to church early on Sundays as early as the 7.45am service and stays here practically till the last service at 4pm. She has always been quietly helping out one way or the other; often, staying at the sidelines and not wanting to create any stir.

As I stand in silent respect for her, I realised that’s one woman whose heart is after the Lord. I’m feel ashamed in comparison with her many deeds and wonderful disposition. Here I am, doing many things and feeling unappreciated when here lies an awesome lady, who has done far more than what I could imagine and yet, never utters a complaint.

Humbled by her very loving nature, I seek my Lord’s forgiveness for being so selfish. Headstrong with my wills instead of following His footsteps. And yet, I am blessed; for my Lord says, "Come to Me who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest." I am glad that I could go to Him in times of troubled mind and soul. I’m glad He lets me lean on His shoulder and cry in frustration and in childish fit and fancy. I’m glad He lets me be selfish once in awhile and not punish me. Thank you Father.. Thank you for letting me know Sis Chai Lean; for showing me what a brat I have become.

Call it living in denial, but I will call it my antidote. I’ve chosen to live my life by this; shielding myself from the outside world. I take in only the information I need and process it in whatever way I wanted. Naive? Yes.. But it is a way of protecting my way of life.

On a lighter vein… Inviting someone over for a visit would mean providing the necessary lodgings right? Hmm, I am wondering why I get such an enthusiastic invite but when i accepted that invite, was met with a different reception? I wonder if my judgement was clouded and I’m bluffing myself. Experience has it that I only process the info that I want. Hence, I may have lots of bits of valuable info that was presented (but conveniently ignored by myself). Kind intentions were misrepresented. Words were twisted of their true meaning.